At the cross roads..

Earlier this year, I was forced to reflect on what I really want to do in life ? A big lifestyle change was the trigger. After having a baby, I was off from work for more than a year. My going back to work meant day care for LP. What feel like teething issues now, then, felt like mammoth problems. LP was not getting on well in the nursery, she was also suddenly exposed to a host of infections, it was getting really difficult for R to mange his busy schedule at work and do the extra lot of driving. I was working part-time, still, it was very very difficult to concentrate on work – especially, when I knew LP was not happy at the day care. On top of that, the weather was possibly the worst we had ever seen, typical!

So, there I was, feeling miserable and torn between two sides. There were so many unanswered questions hovering in my mind: when I was at work, I could not concentrate and kept thinking about how my one-year-old daughter would be faring with a total bunch of strangers.

What if they do not take care of her properly ?

What if something went wrong ?

At that minute, some trivial tasks at work would come into focus and make me feel – “While my little baby might not be getting changed and fed well, this is not what I really want to do!” . The fact that there might be inane and boring tasks in every possible profession escaped my rational thought. I was feeling extremely guilty and miserable wherever I was. When I had to rush home early from work, I was feeling guilty of not being able to do justice to my job. Thoughts had started along the lines of leaving my job all together, but, I was unsure of that too.

If, I quit my job in such a down market, what are the chances of getting one when I really wanted ?

If, I stay at home, will I feel miserable and lost?

Most importantly, can we afford it ?

During this time period, I was searching the internet on ways to find a job that can be done from home, while I take care of LP. I was also in deep thought about what I really wanted to do in life. I do enjoy my current job, but more than often, I feel, "I am destined to do something else.."

Has the Indian education system and peer pressure landed me, where I shouldn’t have landed?

Why do these concerned and unconcerned people keep ramming their thoughts about the best possible career down our throats ?

Am I just part of a flock of sheep which crossed the pond somehow, but, did not know why it crossed ?

Even if we assume, the career I have chosen is right for me, I still wish, I had done much better in it. There were so many things I could have done better, there were so many decisions I could have done with, there was so much of hard work I could have put into – but, fortunately or unfortunately, I cannot change the past..So, may be, better late than never, I should start thinking about what I can change about my future ..

While life gets mundane, there are certain things I enjoy doing. So, I claim these to be my hobbies - reading, cooking and writing.

Can I turn one of these into a profession ?

Am I, good enough to do so ?

If, I did, will I enjoy them the same way as I do now ?

All these questions and no plausible answers..

PS: At those cross-roads and what felt like intense pressure to do the right thing, I was on the verge to call it quits on my current job. However, R stopped me from doing so, he gave me the confidence that we will somehow pull it through. And we still are pulling through.. We moved LP to a different nursery, it is much further and out of the way for us (means a lot more driving for R until I get the driving license, a different post on that later). On the plus side, LP loves her new nursery. Touch wood. So, am back at my current job, just going with the tide and not pressuring my brain for any sensible thoughts..!

The early days

It is amazing how soon you forget things .. The first time I saw and held my lil’ one is still fresh in my memory but everything else is a haze. Right, trying to remember now..the first memory apparently goes back to very long nights when we used to struggle to remain awake :D. During the first three months there was not a single hour on the clock that we didn’t see. Some days she would wake up at midnight, some days at 1pm some days at 2pm and so on. Getting to a routine was a far-cry. It took her the first few days to get adjusted to the light and all the surroundings which were obviously quite different when she was in the darkness of the womb. Meanwhile, friends and family poured in their wishes and enquiries in every possible mode. Some called, some sent messages over internet, some visited and some sent cards and gifts by snail mail. We had organised a small party on the 28^th day which went well in spite of my clumsiness and last minute preparation.

Soon my father had to go back to India as he had to attend his law classes and more importantly prepare for the elections. He was going to canvass from this party. He was quite sad to leave his new found love (that is of course LP) and it also meant he had to be away from my mother (this was a first in decades) . But he was also happy to get back to his routine and it was a bit suffocating to stay cooped up in the house because of the winter. After he left, my mother was around to help us for another two months. She would take care of the cooking, the housework and take turns on looking after the baby and we used to take care of the things she could not handle. Soon though, she had to leave too, mainly because of her job commitments. It was such a great help to have her around, but I hardly realised that until she left. It was quite difficult in the initial days after she left but we somehow started to manage things.

LP was very quiet in her initial days, she would just lie down and smile at us. People suggested to be careful as soon as she entered her 3^rd month, they said she could start rolling over anytime now. So, our cautions rose and we started putting pillows beside her every time she was on the family bed and kept a watchful eye on her almost all the time. She would lift her legs high up in the air and wiggle them but that’s about it. It was great fun to watch her, she was super-attracted to the lights, wherever we went she would choose a favourite light on the ceiling and kept staring at it. It was not just the lights but anything which came into focus for those lil’ eyes, she would stare at them for quite a long time.. It is amazing to see how the lil’ life starts to take in all the surroundings..

Autumn blues..

I can see this beautiful tree through my bedroom window, don’t know which one it is but soon it’s going to succumb to nature. Already, there are more yellow leaves than the green ones. Soon all of them will be gone from my window-view and I will be staring at a skelton which was a plush green tree in summer. It is such an irony that people wear more clothes to protect themselves from winter while some of these trees become bare..

Few days ago, I saw a kid outside the Shrewsbury information centre having such great fun with the autumn leaves which fell to the ground. He was making the best of the crispy, rustly dryness of the leaves. How I wished to do the same..revoke the light-heartedness of my childhood.

Ah, it’s 4pm and seems like the golden rays of the sun put a new light to the tree’s yellow. It has a strange aura now, the kind which materialises just before sunset. It is telling me to mentally prepare for the season with shortened days & artificial lights. Here comes winter...

Our dream come true..

We did the shopping, arranged tickets and visa for my parents, hired a cleaner to deep clean the house and hubby rolled his sleeves for some serious DIY job and re-did the family bathroom. I was off from my work end of November, my parents arrived on 3rd of December. I was very excited to see them, and really really wanted to show them around the town at least and introduce them to all the logistics around here. My due date was December 18th, but fate had something else in store. I went into labour on 7th morning, it could be because I was quite active around that time or because of the long ride to the airport. Am going to spare much of all the details here, keeping in mind the diverse readers here. Anyway, after a long labour, our little princess (going to call her LP on this blog) was born in the early hours of December 8th. The moment she was put in my arms, I forgot all the pain and trauma. Hubby was relieved, thrilled and speechless for more than a while. We both were exhausted and in a total awe with the tiny little bundle who was in fact a dream come true. We just kept telling ourselves that we are now the parents of this tiny bundle with those ten little toes and ten little fingers.. Hubby went away to convey the news to family and friends and I was just sore and sleepless. After he came back, we were shifted to the general ward and hubby went off home to get some sleep and bring back my parents with him during the visiting hours. I couldn’t get any shut-eye, and kept looking and feeling my darling over and over. There were other new moms in the ward and their babies kept crying often and on. My LP just slept and slept.. After what seemed like ages hubby and parents came to visit. Mom and Dad although jet-lagged were thrilled to see their first grand-child. After the first day, what seemed like a miracle slowly started becoming a reality. The fight to keep ourselves awake and feed her/change her became the sole motive in the lives of all four of us.

Pati, Patni and the desperate parents ???

What kind of parents would want to see their babies in such torturous shows? Are they so desperate to get their children on television? And what kind of a show is it? I could hardly watch it for 5 minutes and the entertainment value seemed to be 0% with a constantly whining baby. The so-called celebrity couples, I could just puke on them (especially this lady) and NDTV imagine for telecasting such a ridiculous programme..

The Expecting Phase

When we found out that we are expecting a new addition to the family, it was like a dream come true. We were excited but very very anxious. There were some complications, so family advised to keep it a hush-hush thing until I am through the first trimester. In-laws were here with us, which helped a lot, as I was supposed to only potter around and not to do any heavy work. The concerned family that I have, wouldn’t let me step down the bed/sofa. Felt nice to have such caring and affectionate family, but I was also getting very restless and bored. Was trying to read all the pregnancy related books and material but was extremely tired and nauseous. It wasn’t very bad, but I was relieved when I hit the 12 week mark. It took almost that long to digest the fact that we are going to be parents soon, in-charge of a tiny new being who will monopolise our lives ;-)

Comparatively, second trimester was a breeze. It was just a bit weird at work, considering the fact that I had not shared the news with many people. I was feeling conscious that people are staring at my growing belly or eyeing my double-size lunch box, ha ha.. There were no other complications, but hay-fever and dental problems cropped up. I couldn’t take the regular medicines so it was quite a feat to tackle those.

Third trimester rolled on and I was growing bigger and bigger. Lots of preparation was pending, parents were coming down to help, so we had to arrange for their visa and tickets, then there was the baby shopping to do and also get the house ready to welcome the little one.

Meanwhile hubby had to fly to US for a week-long conference. Normally I would have jumped up to the chance and gone with him but I was in a state where it was not advisable to fly, so had to let it go. But, where would I stay? Hubby said a big no-no to staying alone and I was wary too, so off I went to stay with a friend and her cute little daughter. Coincidentally friend’s husband was also on an out-of-town training, so it was just us ladies. Travelling to work was tedious ( am thankful to the colleague who helped) and was missing hubby but it was nice to spend time with the friend and get to know her better. It was an absolute delight to play with her little daughter.

Anyway, everything was slowly falling into place and we were getting ready for the big day. But deep in my heart I was scared and kept telling myself everything will be fine...

Where does time go ?

Wow! It is October 2009 and I have a very faint memory of last seeing the blogger dashboard (more than a year ago). In all these months I did not blog, I would have felt the itch-to-write more than a few times, but there was simply no time or opportunity to do so. Actually, life has been so eventful, every moment was worth blogging, so I decided it is best to sit back, relax and enjoy :)

I am now journeying through one of the most enjoyable and beautiful phases of life – Motherhood. Soon, it is going to be an year since our little princess came into our lives. Actually, if we count the pregnancy months, it will be even longer. I have lost the count of days, I keep forgetting what date and day it is, more so because I am off on maternity leave,. Alas, where does the time go?

First, it was the anxiety and thrill of pregnancy, then, it was the pain and relief of the Miracle called birth, next it was pure awe, new found joy and sheer exhaustion of being a new parent. Beautiful moments and new challenges followed on when she was 3-6 months old, after that, it was the much awaited, exciting but a hectic trip to India. Now, we are back in UK in the pre-toddler phase where not just activity but hyper-activity seems to be the key phrase. Will delve on each of these phases in detail..soon!

PS: Blogger looks so out-of-date, time to move-on to a newer look, hopefully sometime soon.

What do I like to read?

Recently whenever the subject of reading came up, different people have asked me what kind of books I read. My current answer to them is "Well, I do not do science-fiction or fantasy, nor thrillers and investigative novels, no romance, no chick-lit, absolutely no-horror, not complete autobiographies, but books that are somewhat close to real lives". The answer is getting quite long as I am unable to coin a phrase to describe the kind of books I like to read.

Like I said in this post, I love to get a peek into people's lives of may be a certain locality or time. But that is not all about it. Occasionally, I have picked booker winners, although I hate to say that I chose only the authors who are award winners. I am sure there are unrecognized brilliant authors too. So, can someone please help me ? These are the last 10 books I have enjoyed:

The Kite Runner
Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha
Shantaram
The Inheritance of Loss
Catch-22
Memoirs of Geisha
Angela's Ashes
The Clockwork Orange
Family Matters
Life of Pi